Panic Attack!!

I'm starting to get very scared. Over lunch today J happened to mention that her and her husband went "office space" shopping on Sunday. That scared the crap out of me. I have no idea what this means. I don't want them to continue working. I am losing my mind. This tax season has been one of the hardest ones for me to survive. J is getting so bad to deal with and I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.

Now, I love my bosses, they have been so good to me, I am just so ready for a change and I don't think I can tell them I'm leaving. I'm too loyal and I know if I leave they have to sell. I don't know how to do that to them. I have started hating my job everyday and that's not a good thing for me. Even when I had days where I went home early I was hating it. I also need to be in a place where I can go away whenever I want and not just during the months of June to August. That is so confining and making it hard to want to go anywhere. I need some changes.

I would love to buy a house in the next two years and I know where I am I won't be able to do that either. I got desperate and emailed T about it today too asking if there was anything he could do to help to remind D that the offer is there. I just about started to cry I'm so frustrated. I just need a change of scenery so bad. I feel very stuck in life right now.

It doesn't help that I have been struggling with other decisions in my life that are keeping me awake at night. I hate it when I think too much. Keeps me awake at night. So, here's hoping and praying that things go well for me. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay here at this job, and the possibility of it going on for a year or two scare me to death. Pray for me that it all goes well and I'm able to have the changes I so desperately need to move forward in life. Every other decision seem to hang on this one thing and it's driving me nuts because I'm not making any progress. Inhale, Exhale, just breathe and I'll make it through.....somehow.

Easter

Well, life is continuing fairly nicely. Mom is doing okay and got to spend a couple of days down in Lethbridge with Joan which was nice. She had said she would put the meat in whether we decided on ham, turkey or just a roast as usual for Sunday but my brother and his wonderful wife decided to do Easter at their house. It was really nice. Karen and her family went to moms for Conference on Sunday and just after noon I got a call from Cache. I had decided to stay home in the morning and watch it at my house and then go to moms in the afternoon. Well, Cache was not impressed I wasn't there but by the time he called I was in the car on my way.

I have this message on my machine that has him saying in a rather annoyed tone, "I'm at grandma's". He says that a couple of times and I can hear Karen saying, "okay, say goodbye", but then Cache says, "no one's talking". It's really funny. We all had a lot of fun at moms house. We enjoyed the talks and Cache even napped so he was pretty happy by the time we got to Dave and Amanda's. I think it was nice for mom to have us all together and not have to think. Around lunch time she said to Karen and I that she didn't know what she'd do if she didn't have her family all right there, living so close. I think it has been a great blessing in our lives and especially in mother's life to be able to have that. We are very fortunate. Technology has even been great for Kathy to call lots and email and stuff.

I got to relax and enjoy Friday and Saturday and do not much of anything, the only crappy thing was that I now have the cold that my boss had last week and the week before. Oh well, nothing I can't handle and can't work through. Life is still good and we still have each other to lean on. I'll tell you later about the "man hunt" some of us went on. It was so funny and good for a laugh. Definitely was a great ending to the week on Friday!!!!

Beautiful Tribute

Well, today was Bob's funeral. It was quite nice. All four boys gave a lovely tribute to their father and my mother said some wonderful words too. I was nice to be included in their family and to be made a part of that moment. They all looked well and held up very nicely. I was impressed with how well Karen's kids behaved too. They were both very good. Karen and Diana both had to go out with the babies for most of it but it was still good.

I got to see a lot of wonderful people I normally don't get to see and I had some wonderful visits. That to me was great. It was just nice all around. The kids had made some posters of pictures for the foyer and they had a video of pictures set up outside of the RS room. So many people came to see mom and the boys and visit. I'm kind of glad this time I was able to wander around and didn't have to do the meet and greet. It's a long day that's for sure.

Tomorrow mom goes to Southern Alberta and they'll have the burial. I hope it goes well. OH!!! and the good news was that they were able to get an internet feed up and available to other people that the friend in American Fork and his two grandchildren on missions were able to watch the service over the internet. That was a lovely service provided for them and I'm sure it meant the world to many people. Now to make sure mom has a good life. She certainly is surrounded by an abundance of us to help make it happen

Funeral Details

Just in case anyone decides to read this who wants to know, the Funeral for Bob Patterson will be held on Tuesday March 30th. There will be a viewing from 10am till 1230 and then the funeral will begin at 1pm. We will be at the Riverbend Stake Centre, across from the Temple on the corner of 53 Avenue and the Whitemud Freeway.

Things are good, mom is good and will be fine. One of her best friends drove up Monday and will be staying the week and we are able to be a good emotional support too. I worry for a few people who really will miss Bob terribly, including his family. They are doing well, but it is never easy and never fun. I am grateful it's not difficult this time for me just because with my dad it was so hard to function normally, but you just do it anyway. I love Bob, but it's not the same. We'll miss him too and how much he loved mom and looked after her. She will miss him every day, but knows now how to function alone, even though she really doesn't want to.

We are all grateful for the time we did have and the new family we, especially mom, has. So, please come, reminisce, and visit with us next week. We'd all love to see you there.

Not again.....

Well, today was the second longest day of my life, the longest day being the day dad died and all that went along with that. I got a phone call at 6am this morning from my sister and I answered it groggily even though I had woken up by happenstance a few minutes before. I wanted her to know I was unimpressed to be woken up so early. To my shock and dismay she was phoning to tell me Bob had died in his sleep. I couldn't believe it. Mom and Bob had been married for just less than 3 months and now we're dealing with a death all over again.

Long story short she tried to wake him at 530ish thinking something was weird and when she couldn't and he was not breathing she called his son and daughter-in-law. His son drove over and his daughter-in-law called 911. After a few phone calls around from siblings I got my phone call and drove straight to moms. There were police there taking her statement and waiting for the Medical Examiner to deal with his body. Dave's wife Amanda and Karen were already there as well as Bob's son.

One by one most of us came and one of Bob's other sons came as well. There was so much shock in the room it wasn't even funny. Bob's boys are still dealing with the death of Bob's first wife, their mother, back in May of last year. She only died 10 months ago and now their father. The one blessing of all of this is that the greatest thing about mom and Bob getting married is it meant that if he was supposed to die today that he was here in Edmonton near his family and with someone instead of being alone by himself in Utah. That is especially great for the boys.

Mom wanted to go to church too since it was at 1pm so I drove her and took her. It was a great comfort for her. Everyone even came over for supper at moms and that was wonderful. Chaos with all the visitors coming to check in on mom, but well worth the blessings. We all agree though that for us kids it's way easier than when dad died. We are more here for mom and don't have to deal with all of the planning and arranging. I feel for the Patterson boys and all of the work they have to do, but we are here as a support for them and for mom. It's going to be a long week and stuff to do, but at least I'll have work to keep me busy and mom to take care of. I just was hoping to avoid this for at least a few more years.

Success

Well, I did it. I managed to get through my testing with a very bruised and sore leg and it paid off!!!! On Wednesday's our Taekwondo group has a workout cardio class that I go to. I got there last night and on the board they had the results from the testing only they had our membership numbers with the results beside it and I don't have my number memorized. Now, I had logically figured out that only 2 people from the adult class had tested for brown belts and there were two adults that had received brown belts so I assumed I passed, but you know me, I had to know for sure.

I ran down to my car to my TKD bag and got my card out and went back up to check my number. I was so relieved and so happy to have passed. It's getting harder and harder to pass and it's a lot more work. I had failed back in December just because my cardio wasn't where it should have been. I got the numbers I needed to pass but my cardio sucked, and it really did. The winter was so horrible and had taken it's toll on my lungs and I hadn't taken enough care of my lungs by using my inhaler enough. It was so dry that day of testing too, and I had left my water bottle in the locker room for most of the testing. Well, this time I had water bottle and inhaler right beside me the whole time.

When I started this I wasn't sure that I could ever get to the level I am now, and that I could do the things I can now. I still struggle with some of it, and I am constantly pushed every class but it's been worth it. Tonight I received my brown belt and got to learn the new form. It's getting quite hard and I still get worried about when I get to black belt and all of the things you need to know to pass that level, but for now I'm going to just try and focus on what I need to do and keep working hard and getting better at what I'm doing. I see improvements everyday. This has definitely been worth the cost and the time. I'm proud of me!!!!!

I can't think of anything witty to call this today

So, life has been okay. Nothing exciting these days. Last week I fell down the stairs at my place. That was fun. I was coming out of my building to take some laundry to do at moms house and my foot caught the stair wrong. Down I went on 6 or 7 cement stairs. As I was going down I was at least smart enough to think to put my laundry hamper in front of me and land on it. That made the damage a lot less than it could have been. I banged up and scraped up my knees pretty good. The bruises are absolutely beautiful. They cover almost the whole front of both shins. I'm pretty proud of them.

Now I can handle a good fall, even think it's pretty funny, but it just annoyed me that it happened two days before another Taekwondo testing Saturday. I was going to go to sparring Thursday night but I could almost hardly walk right after I fell. I sat at moms watching tv with ice packs on both legs. I did decide to go to class and tried working on my form and board breaking and stuff which, by the end of the night, wasn't too bad. My knees were finally able to bend, I was just a little bit sore. Testing Saturday went okay too. My shins were, and are, still pretty sore but I didn't hurt them sparring during testing. It was during the grappling that it was quite sensitive, but I managed just fine. No worries.

I'm also glad to have good friends around. I had a crappy day yesterday and called Em, not to complain but just to see how she was doing. She could tell I'd had a rough day and she was out with a friend and they thought it would be fun to have one more opinion on stuff so I met them at West Ed and hung out. I do have to say, very funny times were had, a lot of laughing, and very strange things were done. Definitely one night to go down in the history books.