Lovin' Every Minute of It

I have to say, life has been pretty good this year. After much reflection on last year my mental and physical health were both not in a good place for most of last year. This year has started pretty awesome. I am loving the car totally. It's pretty awesome. It's more expensive on gas, especially since the Echo was so small and this one is so big, but it's worth every cost. Last night was another blast of fun out with the girls. We went and saw Sherlock Holmes and then out for dinner. It's nice to have Fee and Em separate but also fantastic that they get along so well and when the three of us get together it's total chaos.

Mom and Bob left for Utah again. They're down there packing up his stuff to move up here. Not sure how much stuff they're bringing and if they're renting a trailer or what. They're gone for a really long stretch this time. When they came home from Hawaii the first thing I asked mom was if they could stay here for at least a week. I was just emotionally tired of watching the house. Two weeks in December, 20 days in January and now a lot more. They stayed for just over a week because it took them a couple of days longer than they planned to leave here.

Since they are going for almost 5 weeks mom is helping me to fly down to visit them. It will break up the long stretch and make it easier. Plus it will be nice to just get away and out of the city. It's getting hard to hang around here sometimes knowing that life is going to change. As much as I hate change, when I know things are supposed to change I just want it to happen now and have it be the new way. The transition is always the hardest part. Mostly because I have no patience.

But I am looking forward to hanging out in Utah with Mom and Bob. We might make trips to some temples, or mom was thinking of looking into going to the Hale Theatre and seeing a play there. The fun thing is I'm going in the middle of when Diana and Spencer are heading down. They're going for 10 days and I was talking with Diana today and she said mom was thinking of having everyone for dinner at Bob's house on the Sunday so that could be fun. Kathy, and her kids (Braeden, Jenni, Taya, Denver, Toren), Diana, Spencer and Ivy. I think it will help mom break up the long trip too. The longest my mom has ever been gone from us is when she was in Hawaii for almost 3 weeks. I think this is going to be harder than she realizes so me going is as much for her as it is for me. Just one more trip to break up the boredom.

OH!!!!!! I have even better news too. Fee and i were thinking of going to Utah for 2 weeks to visit her sister and making a few side trips on the way down and back. Well, she's now thinking of moving back to New York so we've modified the plans to accommodate her. We'll drive down to Kalispell to Lake Blaine, then head to Utah to see her sister for 3 or 4 days, then we'll drive up heading towards New York to drop her off. We would bring a 3rd person too, just to A) make it cheaper, and B) have someone with me when I drove home from New York. This could be fun going to New York this year!!!!! I so freaking deserve that!!! See, I told you this year was going to be so fantastically awesome!!!!!!!!!

Flying

You know when you do those silly quizzes or whatever that people email around and one of the questions is if you had a super power what would it be? Well, mine has always been to fly. I've had many dreams where I'm just flying through the sky with absolute freedom. That's partly why I added the new song Fireflies by Owl City to my blog. For some reason it gives me that same feeling of freedom of flying. Like it says, It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep cause everything is never as it seems. I feel that's so true.

I remember right after dad died, about 2 weeks later the frost week activity for YSA was where they rent out Galaxy Land at West Ed and we get to go for five or six bucks. That year, the one ride that I rode a thousand million times was swing of the century. I got the high of flying from it and for some reason every single fear and sadness I had just floated away. It was about the only time that I felt the freedom from the pain of my father dying.

I still like to float away in my head and dream of flying, or just escape from the daily boredom of life. I have great fantasies and imaginations, especially when I listen to music like this that just takes me away to a place I need to be. Now this isn't to say that I don't live in reality. It's quite the opposite in fact. Sometimes I live too much in reality that I get stuck in places far longer than I am capable or wanting to. I've been in such a rut for a long time that I am so grateful for my decisions to make all of those changes this year.

So far, my plans have been going well. I'm down about 12 or 13 pounds from my birthday, and still working on it slowly. I'm not rushing myself, but still doing what I can as many days as I can. I'm already feeling better physically and am in better health than I was this time last year. Last January there was a shift in the earth and I felt it and my bod reacted badly. I have some sort of weird connection to my environment, and my mother recognizes it as well. I like my grandmother, would have crazy reactions if I missed one of my pills back when I was on them and our doctor and the ER doctors who dealt with grandma had never seen such things. It was bizarre to them. I am grateful to have found a solution that requires no medication, only special vitamins and I am better with them than I ever was on any medication.

Anyway, the point is I'm sure the earth shifted or something last January because I started getting nauseous a lot and having problems with sleep and all kinds of stuff. Mom was trying to help me solve it and when she went on her cruise found these watches that are magnetic that fix all of that. She bought one for herself and she is having fewer pain problems and on about 1/4 to 1/3 of the pain pills she used to take. I thinks she's down to once a day, if that even. So since she felt it was so good she and I found a place here that sells them and she bought me one. I didn't get it until into October and it took a while to reverse the affects of the whole year of being off but I'm finally starting to notice how much it helps. My nausea is pretty much gone, I'm able to lose weight and not gain it (that was a huge problem with the nausea), and I'm sleeping better.

That helped me get started to a better year. Knowing my health is already 10 times better than this time last year gives me hope for continuing progress for the rest of this year. I've also started off with less drama and stress in my life. I don't really hang out with anyone but my family, Fee and Em, and that might sound sad to some people but right now I need less people and to focus on myself. I'm the kind of person who will drop anything to do everything for everyone else and I was getting left behind. I like the focus being on my family and keeping those girls close just gives me people to vent with about stuff. I still talk with lots of people and once in a while will spend time out with some of my other friends, it's just not as often and fewer people.

I plan on making so many other changes too. I started reading some books I've had sitting around my house. My problem is I like books, I just don't like sitting still long enough to read them fast enough. I'm trying to get into some this year that sound good, plus the ones I've had. I'm taking more vacations for me this year too. Fee and I have a road trip planned for later this summer and she reminded me that we wanted to stop by Lake Blaine on our way down south. I had forgotten this. I grew up vacationing there and they were some of the best times of our lives. The resort we stayed at is no longer there, but I'd love to go and see how it looks and check out Kalispell and Big Fork and stuff. I have a friend who went to Lake Blaine too who now lives in Kalispell. It would be fun to stop by and see him because I haven't seen him since I was 14 or so. We've talked and written and stuff, just not seen each other for a long time.

Of course I have Australia planned, but that's all dependent on my boss selling. The rut of having the same car, same house, same job and nothing ever changing is starting to shift and I plan on making it all new as soon as I can. I have plans in motion. Buying the new car wasn't just because I needed a new car or wanted one, it was the dawn of a new beginning of necessary life changes for me. It spurred the things I need to better myself and my life. To finally make it mine and not just living it till a husband comes along and rescues me. If I'm going to live single, I'd dang well better do it in a way where I'm happy.

Fee and I were naming my new car on Monday and came up with the perfect name. It serves a two-fold purpose. She wanted to play off the fact that my car is white and stuff and maybe use a name that means "Pure" so I did some research on the Internet and somehow found a name in my search that means "Dawn". I thought it was perfect because this is a dawn of a new beginning for me and my life. It also happens to be a name from my favourite Disney movie of all time, Sleeping Beauty. So, my new car has been named Aurora. I love it. Funny thing is I wouldn't even mind using it for a name for a daughter one day. Just don't tell her I had a car named that too.

The next step is changing the job, which I'm going to email T about in July that things need to move on that so I can leave for Australia the end of October. Australia is no longer a desire or a want. It is very much a need beyond what anyone can imagine. I can't even explain why I have to go, I just know if I don't I'm missing out on something in my life that's waiting for me there. That also leads to the change in housing. I have two possibilities on that one. I'm hoping I can find enough contacts in Australia to get a job there and live there for a year which would refresh stuff, and even if I don't move there permanently and only live there a year, I plan on being able to afford a house in 5 years.

So there you have it, I have an immediate plan, 6 month plan, a year plan, two year plan and a five year plan. It's all a process to get me to a place where I long to be. All of those things will help me feel like I'm flying. Just the possibilities of them, even if they don't come true exactly the way I'd like them to, sends me soaring to new heights. This is a year of changes, of new freedoms and goals to a life where I finally fit to where I belong. I know I'm not where I need to be right now. I feel the discomfort in my own skin with my life and only I can do something and these things, ideas, thoughts, dreams, are all things that bring me peace and joy when I think of them.

I finally feel like I'm on my way to flying high, with all the happiness and joy I can imagine. I'm not there yet, but I see the light out of the darkness finally, and I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Not to say that life has been bad, it's been very very good for years, I just know that something is missing, and it's not here, where I am at this place in my life. I have to make the changes needed to find the missing. I don't even know what the missing is, but staying the same doesn't fix it, so I'm going to do what I've been wanting to do for years, but denying myself. I think that by denying myself some of those things whether out of fear or some of the many other reasons I have I've been stifling myself and preventing growth. Well, that's over now. I'm ready for the growth, I'm ready for the change, and I'm ready for the new adventures that await me. The is the dawn of a new beginning of many fantastic things yet to come!!!!!

NEW CAR!!!!!!!

Well, I decided before Christmas that it was time that I treat myself to a new car. I've had hand-me-downs and crappy cars for a long time and my Echo was the first decent car I had. However, I bought it 3 years used with a lot of km's on it. I have had it for over 6 years now and it was 10 years old. It was at the time where I had put almost nothing into it as far as repairs but it was going to start costing me a lot.

The beginning was when we got hit with all of those big snow storms at the beginning of December. A low to the ground small car doesn't fair so well in that, even if it is a front wheel drive car. There were just so many things about it I couldn't deal with anymore. I mean, I'm driving Karen's kids around a lot these days and have Cache's car seat permanently strapped in, and if I ever drove friends around it got cramped. I mean, driving 3 people (plus me) to West Ed on New Years was interesting, and I can seat 5. Plus my trunk room was pathetic and if I ever had to pick someone up at the airport in it, wasn't fun. Also, it had manual everything. Manual locks, manual windows, manual/standard driving, manual adjusting side mirrors. It got very annoying very fast. Trying to put kids in the car and having to unlock the front door with the key first and then unlock the back door by reaching around is extremely counter productive.

So, I finally took the initiative and took Emily (Fee had to cancel) with me just to test drive cars on Thursday. They had a great deal on a car I loved driving and so I took it. I had researched what I was looking for online so I know I wasn't hosed at all. I only had plans to test drive just to see what kind of car I had, but wow, I got it good!!! The two things I wanted that it did not have were cruise and keyless entry BUT, they put in $600 worth of a command start (extra bonus) to give me the keyless entry with that. And then on Tuesday I'm getting the cruise control installed and they gave me a deal on that too. That means I will have pretty much everything I could want. I'm even discovering some fun things today. Like for instance the 6 change CD-mp3-WMA player will also play DVD's both in video and audio format. So if I wanted I could make an mp3 dvd OR like I found out today, I can put in a movie DVD and it will play the audio of it. Also, someone I know suggested for road trips that you plug in a mini dvd player and plug the audio jack into the AUX of the car. Oh man, so many fun fun things. I LOVE MY CAR.

I drove off with it Friday (yesterday) and have had fun. I drove straight to Karen's house to show her and her kids. Veronica LOVED that it had built in booster seats just for her. As soon as I told her that she had her boots on to come out and see it. Karen was VERY helpful in deciding on cars and helping me with some stuff. I had called her Thursday to see if I should take the deal even. She knows a lot and her and Alex helped me figure a lot of it out. I appreciated all of their help. Alex looked at me funny when he came home from work. He was surprised to see me there cause he didn't see my old car there. He liked it but didn't get a chance to look at it yet cause he had to run off again. Karen said today he still wants to look at it.

After Karen's I drove to Diana's to surprise her and Spencer. I had purchased her calendars for her and used that as an excuse to go out to Leduc. She was as excited as she could be considering how tired her and Spencer were with dealing with switching Ivy's sleeping schedules. That's been a tough one for them. I stopped by Dave's house today and I got a "that's nice" from him. He was pretty nice and not critical which means he liked it. You know if he's not mean he likes it. He's funny that way.

So, I now have moved on from 13 years and 3 cars of driving standards to an automatic FINALLY. I wanted an automatic car last time but dad and I found my Toyota Echo. She was small and good for the moment and I did love her, but she had done all I could have her do. Fee helped me name her PJ, and we got that because a friend had said when she saw it that it looked like a pregnant jellybean. So, so long Pregnant Jellybean and hello styling new Dodge Journey. This one is a lot bigger, both in width and length but she's fantastic. I'm loving every minute and like Karen said, I did it all by myself. I'm so proud of me and can't wait to show mom when she comes home Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Family Support

I've been thinking a lot about things lately and what direction I want to be going in. I was afraid to tell my sisters a little bit just because I thought they might criticize me for making current decisions (like buying a new car), when my plans involve possibly moving. Well, to my surprise the two I've talked to so far were almost more supportive than my mom. Now granted, I didn't talk to my mom very long because she called me from Hawaii but still. And these are the two sisters whose opinion and advice probably matter the most because they're the two I grew up the closest to. I spent over an hour on the phone with each of them on separate days and I almost feel a sense of relief when it comes to making my choices. I had already decided before I talked with them and it was nice to hear that they thought it was good.

So, after some help from Karen I'm going to go try and test drive a few different cars this week and see how that goes and if I like the few I've thought of. Then I'll try and find one that's a good price, probably a year oldish with a few km's on it. Then I'm making plans to maybe move. Now the move won't happen for probably 2 years, and it's only a possibility. It depends how my trip at the end of this year goes and if I would like to possibly move there. It also depends on how long it would take me to get a visa to work there too. I'm thinking when I go on my vacation I'm going to make some contacts and look at jobs so I can have a heads up when applying for the visa. I'm only thinking of moving for a year for now, and if it goes well I'd stay, and if not I'd come home. It's all only guessing at this point, but just the fact that I'm thinking of something different is easing a lot of stress on me.

So, I just plan and save for my vacation and work towards buying that new car in the next couple of weeks and then see what life has in store. I can't be sure of anything and like Karen said, I may only just travel more to more places, or I could move. I'm just glad they helped me feel better and not worse. I really really needed that more than they could ever imagine!! Who knows what will happen for sure, but the journey is there and I intend to leap forward full steam ahead. I need some change in my life and might as well take advantage of it while I can. Who knows what could lie ahead!!!!!

Lighter, Happier and Feeling Free

Well, I'm so far starting the year off right. I was down about 10 pounds by Christmas and managed to maintain that over New Years, which was a miracle with all that I had going on. It's been a whirlwind of a ride. I was talking with Em the other night and she was saying how strong I am and how much I over came this year. I hadn't really thought of it that way. She mentioned how ya, she had her challenges too but she hasn't bounced back from them the way I did. It has been a lot to take in and even the good things have been hard to deal with so it was interesting to hear that she says I did better than I thought.

I got rid of a lot of chaos in my life last year. I was always running around trying to please everybody and it was literally almost killing me. When I finally took things into my own hands life got a heck of a whole lot easier. I made a few decisions that left me with more free time to focus on what I want to focus on. I spend less time, or none, with some friends and I'm focusing on the friends who really need me and want me in their lives. I still love helping others and will do anything for them, but I had to narrow down the list.

I've almost completely stopped going to YSA stuff. Once in a while if I'm bored I'll stop by a dance just because. I also have decided to go to little or no Single Adult activities. I will still go to the dances just because I love to dance and I'm a rockin' good dancer, but the other activities will come as I have time. If I have no other options come up for the night, and it's something I would really enjoy doing I will go to the other ones, but I'm not focusing my life on being single right now. I have a hard enough with life that I'm not Barb the Single Adult, I'm just Barb, me, everything and anything I can be and that's it. I don't want any sort of label.

I managed to get in two exciting exotic trips this year. That was the real hurdle for me. I am always so afraid to go and do things, especially alone, that it was huge for me to do this. Going to Dave's wedding in Cuba really helped. That started me and as the days for that got closer I randomly booked Scotland. That was overcoming a HUGE fear for me. I really get nervous doing things alone in places where I'm not familiar, even in the city. I'm not good at taking risks and doing what I want to do. So, that was big. I just booked the flight and had no plans. It was so good for me because it's the catalyst that is making my Australia dream come true this year. It was one of the most fun times of my life and I'd do that again, or any location, in a heartbeat.

I also thought it would be hard to be away from my family, and in a way it was because I missed out on a few things but at the same time makes me think that I can do this. In fact, talking with someone at the SA dance on the 1st he made a suggestion to me that I am very strongly considering. He suggested that instead of going for 3 or 4 weeks that there are certain careers that they are desperately trying to get people to move there for and said I should get a 6 month open ended ticket and a working visa and go there and work. My career does fall under those jobs (I already looked) but I'm a little nervous to do it. Partly because I'm afraid I'd fall in love with the place and never want to leave, which would take me away from my family. The decision is a hard one and one that is involving a lot of prayer right now.

I found my passion in the last year and a half too. I randomly entered a draw in June 2008 and won a month free of Taekwondo and haven't looked back since. I had been taking tap classes for about 3 years before that and they were starting to get boring. Mostly because the class had gone from a decent size down to only 2 of us the last year. The TKD classes give me so much that I love. I get to beat people up with sparring, do jujitsu (sp?) and wrestle people, break boards, do some boxing/kick boxing and many many other things. It gets a lot of tension out and I've been working hard on it. The nice thing too is it gives me goals to work on and I've improved a lot. Fee came with me to my last testing in December and she loved it and enjoyed watching me kick some butt.

Both Diana and Karen had babies this year. It's been fun to see Diana become a mother after so many years of wanting to be and all the crap she went through to have Ivy. She's the chunkiest cutest thing ever and we all love her. She's almost perfect too. Not much trouble at all. Miranda has made a funny addition to Karen's family. She's so sweet and even easier than Ivy. Hopefully Karen finally got the baby that's just like her, almost perfect. She's almost 3 months old and already pretty much sleeps through the night for Karen. Then when she's awake during the day she just sits there. Cache becoming a big brother has been an interesting transition. I also watched Veronica turn 6 and start going to all day school in grade one. I can't believe she's that old.

My mom got married, which was another huge hurdle to deal with. I'm ok with it, but it's been weird to handle for many reasons. Diana hit the nail on the head one day when she said that mom getting married and seeing her like this with Bob makes us miss dad more. We've gotten used to mom being single and alone to where it feels in some ways like it has always been that way and then when we see her with Bob and stuff we remember our dad and what it was like when he was around and it just makes me so sad and I really miss him. I'm fine with him and having him around but in an ideal world my daddy would just be here to make it all better. I miss those father-daughter times that I'm not going to have again until I see him in the next life. He's there waiting for all of us to come to him.

So here are a few of the things I'm thinking of planning and organizing for this year. Australia is of course at the top of my list. Definitely the grandest of all grand adventures that I desperately need. I'm continuing to work on feeling healthier and working on tracking what I'm eating everyday, which I'm still only taking one day at a time and have no promises to track the next day, just that day. I also would like to finish some of my reading. I have a bunch of books that I want to read and haven't yet. I'm still working on some old ones too. I'm not a good reader, my reading vocabulary is high, I just don't have the patience to sit and read. Not my favourite past times, even though I love the stories. How retarded is that? My next thing that I've already started is my pictures. I have had these frames sitting here empty for 2 years now and I finally sent some photos to costco to be printed. I'm picking them up tomorrow. I went through my Scotland ones deciding which ones to print and I need to do the same with my Cuba pictures. I have a binder of stuff I want to do for the Scotland ones and I really would love to finish that. I'm excited to start working on it!!!!

So, here's to many more grand adventures and doing things that help me to be a happier, healthier person. I know my life is good and I plan on taking it many directions I never even thought of. I need to take even more risks this year and do things I never even thought of doing. Not the crazy things like jumping out of a plane or anything (that thought scares me to death) but of doing things that are out of the norm for me that are just different that you don't think of everyday.

This is a picture I made on facebook of some random photos I've posted on there of my 2009 year. I know 2010 and the decade to come are going to be at least as good, if not even better!!!!!!